Gatlinburg Was Never Going to Be a Cure-All For My Ills

I’ve reached a point in my life I never thought possible. There was always a struggle that preceded every “success”, no matter how small it seemed. So it only made sense that the by far the biggest setback in my adult life led to my (our) biggest triumph. The last year in Ohio was filled with hope that the dream might finally be realized…but we were thinking the worst. Even when things were falling into place, it didn’t give us a doubtless outlook. Well, we are here, and while we are all happy with this newfound lifestyle, it was never going to be a panacea for me personally. Let me explain.

It isn’t easy letting you all in on my dark places, but this is the kind of catharsis I need. Just like a musician writes personal lyrics that are often misunderstood or shaped to fit their own life, this feels like a similar parallel. It is a dichotomy that I believe many of us have to learn to live with. There is always something underneath that is unpleasant—or in my case, affects my day-to-day livelihood.

I’m going to scrape away at them, but I’ll start with the easiest one to discuss: diabetes. I know what you’re probably thinking: Well, that’s not so easy, right? Definitely not easy to live with, but a little more effortless to describe. I’ve learned to not hide it here in Gatlinburg—something I’ve done my fair share of my adult life. I’ve never used it as an excuse; I’ve always wanted to feel like a normal person without it, plus I knew I needed to earn a living, so I worked through situations that might not have been smart.

I’ve been pretty open about it at my current workplace, and I just let my work speak for itself. For the first time, I am comfortable with the fact that I believe everyone knows about it. I say “I believe” because I still don’t bring it up daily; it doesn’t need to be. I am confident I will be in good hands if something bad might happen, but let’s hope nothing like it does—and that gives me solace.

As far as my personal struggle with the disease, that’s a different story. I’m concerned with what’s ahead now that I’ve been afflicted for more than 30 years. Officially, I was diagnosed in April of 1994, but I clearly remember the denial when the symptoms surfaced the previous summer. The fatigue, the constant bathroom trips caused by an unquenchable thirst, and the repudiation of the facts that I kept finding. Diabetes? No, not ME! That wouldn’t, couldn’t happen to this guy. It did. And it hit me hard when I went in for my routine physical my junior year. I thought my life was over, but it was so incomprehensible—I felt numb.

Fast forward to the present day here in Gatlinburg. Yeah, it’s tough. I’ve conquered my sweet tooth cravings in the form of fudge, ice cream, and whatever other sugary sensations are plentiful here…except for donuts. I’ve done pretty well with it, though. I walk past The Donut Friar almost every day, but I do give in to temptation occasionally.

Carbs are a different animal. I went through a period where I was pretty strict with it, and it gave me a ton of energy. I ate less, but I still gained weight. Funny how this diabetes thing works, but if you don’t know, your body turns carbs into sugar, so too many carbs are going to rocket your blood sugar into the stratosphere. This means, without enough insulin—which a normal person secretes—to counteract the onslaught of sugar in your cells, it’s going to zap your energy, making you feel ten times more like garbage than a normal person. The sugar spills into your bloodstream causing a host of problems in the long run.

My paradox is this: I want to enjoy life in Gatlinburg, but a part of that is enjoying the food here, which overall isn’t the healthiest on the whole. Sure, I’ve found places with good salads, but I don’t want that to be the only thing I eat here. I also don’t want to exacerbate the complications of my disease that are miraculously minor at this stage, comparatively speaking. That could all change when I find a doctor here, and I’m hesitant to face the music…and the medical bills. Do I throw caution to the wind (moderately) and suffer the mortal consequences sooner, or do I want to stay around longer and learn to make very strict sacrifices? I know the latter is possible; I just need some extra willpower and motivation.

And that brings me to the next thing. It’s very complicated, messy, and unpredictable; it’s the thing that most people don’t even notice. Only my wife and son really see it manifest when things overwhelm me. Yes, it is my mental and emotional state. No, I don’t take medication for it. I have enough things to worry about physically to let this take center stage.

I’m not totally sure where it comes from. Whether it’s genetic or something that happened in my childhood, I’ll never know. What I do know is how sensitive I always was. I know many of you are the same way when it comes to any number of things, but I remember all the issues I had regarding self-esteem, confidence, and never ever feeling like I was worth anything to anyone. I was very shy and timid—two traits I still possess. Specifically, I hated when people mocked my weight. Nope, I wasn’t overweight; this works both ways. Whether it was comparing me to starving children in Africa, or even hurtful comments from my own family (not my mom and dad), it kept my self image in the mud—where I felt like I belonged.

I’ve learned to live with the skinny comments; they aren’t hurtful anymore. I poke fun at my stature now. And while I still wish I could gain weight, I’ve accepted it as part of who I am and how I’m recognized. The only thing that bothers me are the ignorant comments that I need to eat more cheeseburgers, like it’s really going to help me…it’s not. And I don’t want to explain how diabetes works, because that’ll be a waste of time and won’t solve people’s ignorance. Speaking of ignorance…

The hateful comments hurt. Yes, I’m human. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% numb to some of the vitriol on social media, but I do get over it after the initial blow—or following my own response, if I do clap back. That’s an incredible reality for me. I don’t know how I got more than 60,000 followers on Facebook simply by posting once or twice a day…from Ohio.

That’s right. I started doing this regularly about 4 years ago. All I did was share my old vacation photos, and that snowball kept getting larger as it rolled downhill. There were plenty of comments asking me questions about Gatlinburg as if I was there. I mean, the name of my page is Gatlinburg NOW, so surely I’m there to document everything. That was a constant source of confusion from people who stumbled onto my posts, and that frustrated me because I WANTED to be there. Vacations could never come soon enough so I could have a fresh set of photos.

Photo from our June 2018 vacation.

That was back when negativity was not the norm, and if it did happen, it was toward Gatlinburg and not me. That used to be hurtful too, but everything isn’t roses, cute puppies, and beautiful sunsets, but I do try to correct those who don’t come with facts.

Inaccurate information cannot be left alone. That’s also what I try to do when someone isn’t providing the correct tidbits. It’s usually comments coming from a state of anger and resentment, so they resort to hyperbole. I enjoy helping people figure out what’s best, and I offer my opinion, but warn them I’m no expert, nor am I a food critic; therefore, I take it upon myself to give what details I know to steer others in the right direction.

Whether it’s social media resentment in the form of unnecessary comments, or rough patches in my upbringing, or minor hiccups that I’ve overblown, some of it still affects me, and Gatlinburg was never going to cure everything. I knew that. What I know from almost four months here is that it’s way more manageable and easier to cope when MY happiness is just a short walk away. A little rain won’t keep me away from the light.

Thank you for reading and subscribing to my publication! More pertinent information will be upcoming, along with my fourth month review in Gatlinburg. Again, I really appreciate the support, and stay tuned!